As the contract is used, the time between rewards may be lengthened as the positive behavior must be exhibited more times as maybe three days rather than each day and lengthened even longer, as up to 5 to 7 days as the unwanted behavior is extinguished and the positive behavior has replaced it.
Once the first negative behavior is extinguished, it is time to move on to another negative behavior. This will require another time for the parents and teen to sit down and again without negative emotion and calmly discuss the unacceptable behavior. It may require a set of new rewards, or the prior rewards or a combination of old and new rewards to make the contract workable. This meeting can include the mediator if the parents don’t feel comfortable with writing the contract. I am always available for the parents and teen, however, I try to “wean” myself from the meetings and become a consultant only. In this way the parents learn valuable parenting skills they can always use and the teen learns his parents are in charge, not the mediator.
Positive Behavior Contracts # 12
May 7th, 2012Positive behavior contracts # 11
February 2nd, 2012Consequences?? How hard are they? How much? How severe? How long? How to increase or decrease? What a problem for a parent!
Are consequences punishment? I suggest they are not and shouldn’t be. Please let me explain.
The consequences, like rewards, must be given each time they are earned. The most important word here is Earned.
Consequences in a Positive Behavior Contract are very simple, the reward is simply not given. It is very easy to tell your teen, “I’m sorry, you didn’t earn your reward today” or, “I love you and care for you, but, you didn’t earn your reward today, I hope you do better tomorrow”. When these statements are said, it is best to continue on your way doing whatever you were doing before.
These simple statements prevents any arguments from the teen as well as any negative statements from the parent. This also takes practice and the ability for the parent to walk away without saying anything else. This also will become stronger each time it is used. As, before, this allows the parent to walk away and go about their business, and the teen to realize there is no use arguing, they simply didn’t work hard enough to earn their reward. Better luck tomorrow, if I want my reward, I will work for it.
Continuation of Positive Behavior Contracts # 10
January 25th, 2012Rewards and Consequences
This can be a very delicate subject plethoric with negative emotion if it isn’t handled correctly. Both rewards and consequences must be agreeable to all parties involved. It is the job of the negotiator to keep negative emotion out of the meeting as well as to conduct the meeting in a calm and controlled manner.
The guidelines for the rewards must be outlined before the meeting and negotiations begin. Rewards should not include food or money. We do not want to link food with good behavior as this could lead to very unhealthy eating, as most teens would want fast food or snack food for their rewards. This type of eating could lead to becoming overweight as well as unhealthy eating habits in later life.
Money is also a poor choice for rewards because it can be linked to behavior rather than receiving it for work preformed as in the real world.
Rewards should be linked to things that are important to the teen and things the teen enjoys doing. This can include simple things like spending extra time with mom or dad doing something enjoyable together such as, shopping with mom or going to the mall window shopping, or going fishing with dad, or something physical as jogging with mom or dad. If possible, time spent with a parent doing something enjoyable is an extremely powerful reward. Even when a parent and teen are having disagreements and negative emotions have been ongoing, there is still the underlying love a parent has for their child and the love a child has for their parents. Other things as a reward, might include something as who gets to choose the weekly movie for the family or who chooses the television show for a day. It could very well be extra time on the computer or playing electronic games. Again, rewards must be something that is important and enjoyable for the teen, and they must be something that can be given each time they are earned without fail. This must also be taken into account when the rewards are agreed upon and written in the contract.
Parents Guide to Surviving the Teen Years
January 23rd, 2012The teen years are some of the most frustrating that you and your child will experience together, but it’s possible to sail through them and come out on the other side whole, healthy, and best of all, sane. All you need is a little patience, a few tried and tested parenting tips, and the ability to find ways to communicate effectively.
Be sure to give your teens a little leeway. They need to feel free to continue with their emotional growth and build their own identity. Learn to differentiate the important from the unimportant. In other words, do not sweat the small stuff. Choose your battles carefully. Nagging your teen about everything that they do will only alienate them and drive the two of you apart at a time when they really need a willing pair of ears that have their best interests at heart. Anticipate a little outlandish behavior and do not nitpick.
Take the time to get to know their friends. Invite them over for dinner. Be open-minded and keep any criticism to yourself. Unless you have a real good reason for keeping them away from your teen, let your kid pick his or her own friends.
Establish the ground rules, and punishment for violations, in advance. When your kids know what is expected of them, and what will happen if they mess up, the ball is in their court. Try to avoid creating on-the-fly consequences for brand-new additions to the rules. Give your kids the chance to do the right thing, but be sure to follow through with the consequences when they are justly deserved.
The Anxious Kid: Effective Parenting Tips
January 20th, 2012Remember that as the parent of an anxious teen, you should have the same basic expectations as you would for any other child, such as developing the ability to make his or her own decisions, and to interact with other kids and adults. Just accept the fact that the pace will be slower, that tasks will need to be broken down into a series of smaller and more manageable steps, and that you must focus on ways to communicate effectively.
Recognize and give praise where appropriate as your child faces up to challenges. Help your child build his or her self-confidence. Suggest activities where your child can really shine, such as sports or music. Make sure he or she has regular chores around the house to improve self-esteem.
The anxious child must learn how to stand on his or her own two feet. While it may be tempting to do things for them, your child is getting the negative message that you do not believe in him or her, and this erodes their confidence. Let them work things out for themselves and at their own speed.
Your child needs to understand that some anxiety is normal, and can be dealt with. Anxious children frequently do not express strong emotions like anger or sadness because they fear this might upset others.
Be sure that you and your spouse are on the same page in handling your child’s anxiety. Both parents should act in a similar manner to avoid confusing your child.
The Best Parenting Tips of All Time
January 19th, 2012According to a study by York University, the most important tip for parenting teenagers is to exercise patience. The ability to remain calm and patient while struggling to finds ways to communicate effectively is a challenge for most parents. The parent needs to balance a strong presence of mind capable of listening carefully while remaining firmly in control of the emotions. Parents need to master the art of building patience if they are to be loving and effective in their role as parents.
Closely tied to patience is the ability to remain calm even during tough situations. This does not mean that parents must hold back, but rather that they not become frustrated. If necessary, the parent might back off for the moment, coolly and calmly think things over, and then respond.
Knowing when to give their child some space is another important tool in the effective parent’s toolbox. Before butting heads with their child over a tough issue, a parent might provide their teen with both sides of the problem and give them the time and space to evaluate and reflect.
Have realistic expectations about your teenager. They are truly unique individuals, and do not deserve to be thoughtlessly compared to anyone else, including yourself. Consider their abilities, desires, and capabilities when anticipating their response to any given situation. When they fall short, help them understand why, and what they could have done differently to reach a different and more desirable outcome. Be positive and supportive if their best efforts are not always enough. Recognize when they doing the best that they can, and never criticize their shortcomings.
How To Effectively Counsel You’re Teen about Sex
January 18th, 2012While many schools offer, sex education classes, do not assume that is enough and ignore your duties as a parent. Unprotected sex can be fatal, and you have an obligation to talk to your teen about sex. It is often a very awkward and embarrassing subject for both parent and child, but it needs to be addressed.
Don’t waste time waiting for just the right moment to bring up the subject. Sex is everywhere – on television, movies, and videos. The next time the subject of sex is raised, use that as an icebreaker to get the conversation started. Sometimes everyday activities, like riding together in a car, will offer a good opportunity for a private talk about this delicate subject.
Be as upfront and honest as possible. This is not the time to mince your words. If you feel uncomfortable, share that with your teen, but keep the conversation going. If do not know the answer to a particular question, look it up together.
Be direct, and clearly lay out the facts and your views on the specifics such as oral sex. State the risks in a clear manner, and be sure to include the damaging emotional and religious issues as well as the medical ones. Never lecture, or use scare tactics with your teenager. Listen carefully and be sympathetic to your child’s concerns.
Encourage more discussion whenever your teen has questions or concerns in the future. In addition, be as prepared as possible for the really tough and awkward issues like date rape, homosexuality, abstinence, and masturbation.
Continuation Positive Behavior Contracts # 9
January 17th, 2012A very important lesson for parents to learn is that negative behavior will always beget negative behaviors. Anger will always result and be returned with anger. Resentment will always will result in resentment being returned.
On the other hand, positive behavior will result in positive, love and kindness will always be returned with love and kindness. Fairness and respect will be returned with fairness and respect. The results may not be immediate, but they will always occur, even if it takes some time. It is extremely important for all concerned to understand this.
With these in mind, we can now talk about how to begin a positive behavior contract with your teen.
The first step will always be to identify the targeted behavior, always remembering to only work on one behavior at a time. I suggest the parents begin with a behavior that will be easiest to correct and work towards the most obnoxious. This will allow both the parents and the teen to learn how the program will work and will help the parent to fine tune their contract.
The parents, teen and moderator will sit down together and without anger or negative emotion, calmly discuss the behavior to be worked on.
Teenagers and Over-The-Counter Drug Abuse
January 17th, 2012Teenagers in alarming numbers are finding it relatively easy to obtain and abuse over-the-counter (OTC) drugs in their quest to get high. As a responsible parent, you should talk to your teen about the dangers of abusing OTC drugs before they start to experiment.
Many of the drugs being abused act as stimulants to the central nervous system, and like speed, can have serious and even fatal consequences.
According to recent studies, one in every 16 high school senior has abused cold or cough medicine to get high.
Short-term effects connected with possible drug abuse that parents should look for include nausea, headache, vomiting, impaired judgment, abdominal pain, cold flashes, dizziness, panic attacks, and diarrhea. Long-term effects include restlessness, insomnia, high-blood pressure, and sometimes death.
Teenagers can usually buy cough and cold medications at any grocery, drug, or convenience store, or even over the internet. They frequently take large doses in order to get high, and sometimes take them in conjunction with alcohol or illegal drugs to intensify the experience.
The real danger in abusing OTC drugs lies in mixing them with other substances. Some OTC drugs are relatively weak and cause only minor short-term discomfort, while others, if taken in large enough quantities, can cause serious medical problems and in some cases death. Mixing alcohol with certain OTC drugs can cause internal bleeding, and labored breathing. If you have reason to believe that your teen may have overdosed on OTC drugs, get them to the emergency room immediately.
Counseling Your Child about Alcohol
January 16th, 2012The message to parents should be clear: talk to your teen about the dangers of alcohol and do it now. Kids who drink are at an increased risk of being a victim of a violent crime, becoming involved in an alcohol-related car crash, or suffering serious and disruptive problems at school.
The good news is that parents have more influence about their teen’s decision about drinking alcohol before they take that first drink.
So much emphasis is placed on the dangers of illegal drug use that one might wonder why even worry about alcohol. The fact is that alcohol is a drug just like any other, and it is illegal to consume until your child reaches the age of 21 or 18 depending on where you live.
Parents should take an early lead in talking to their children about alcohol. Some kids have already taken their first drink by the time they are 10 years old. Even if their children has not yet taken a drink, parents should be proactive in teaching their kids about the dangers of alcohol because they are most likely already facing peer pressure to drink. Your children might misconstrue your silence on the subject as meaning that drinking alcohol is okay.
For starters, make your talk a conversation, not a lecture. Open up your talk by asking your child what they know about alcohol and what do they think about teen drinking. Listen to what they have to say, and avoid hysterics and criticism.